Suggestions For Keeping Carlo Colaiacovo Off Of The IR

Carlo Colaiacovo has a reputation in the league as being easily injurable, and let’s face it – it’s true. While he’s been successful on the blue line for the Blues, he hasn’t exactly been available the whole season. So far this season it took about three quarters of a game before he was tripped and went awkardly into the boards, hitting his head. He’s been suffering from headaches, and per NHL rules won’t be able to return until those stop.

The most games Colaiacovo has been able to play in a season is 67, which came in 2009-2010. The Blues do tend to suffer without him in the lineup thanks to the fact that the defensive depth in Peoria is basically a defensive wading pool. Sure, most injuries aren’t really his fault – he got hit in the face with a puck two games in a row last season, for God’s sake. But an injury is an injury, and it hurts when he’s not in the line-up, so allow me to offer some suggestions for Mr. Splodeybones.


1. A Twinkie the Kid costume: soft, spongey, and filled with a delicious “creme” filling. If Cola’s hit, opponents will either bounce right off of him or take a bite. there are a few cons, though. He might not be exactly in NHL regs with that hat, and frankly the suit’d be hard to stay upright in. Pucks might also get embeded when he blocks shots, making him look like a Ho ho splattered Twinkie. While yummy, I’m sure no one wants that.


2. Consuming Styrofoam peanuts in hopes that they imbue Cola with their protective powers probably won’t work because they’re indigestible. But it’s a thought.


3. Wrapping him in bubble wrap. I’m fairly sure that he wouldn’t look as douche-tastic as this guy does, and he can entertain the kids in the locker room for hours.


4. Charmin is squeezably soft, and I’m sure that if you take a few dozen rolls of their triple stitched TP and wrap him in it, nothing’d bother him. The downside is that he might clog the Blues net while protecting the crease, leaving Jaroslav Halak trapped in a wad of soggy paper.


5. Bumpers along the boards’d keep all of the guys from getting hurt in awkward falls, and when they do intermission human bowling it’ll just add to the atmosphere.


Anyone else have any suggestions? Share ’em in the comments!

About Laura Astorian

Laura Astorian is the head editor for the SB Nation blog St. Louis Game Time and has been a Blues fan from childhood. She promises that any anti-Blackhawks bias will be left at the door. Maybe.